just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize