I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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