Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
