A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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