How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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