i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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