The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
