Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
