If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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