i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
