Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
