the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
