I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
it's like heaven, but drunker
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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