She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
