jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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