i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We are two peas in an std pod
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
