just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
