I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
