Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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