just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
