i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
