I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
