Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
