Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
