I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
