i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
