I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
