i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
