I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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