I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
