Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
