i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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