You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
