i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
