so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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