I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
