respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
