Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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