there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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