I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she pinky promised me she was 18
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
