No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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