remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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