My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
