Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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