i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
