He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
