There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
