i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
