Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
