i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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