when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just google imaged poop.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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