u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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